Finding Happiness- My personal story on depression, struggles, & finding love

This is a far cry from my usual posts but I have some points in this story that I feel like may really help someone who is in a difficult situation or struggling with life right now. Read to the end to hear my points.

I was in a really dark place when I met my fiancé for the first time. I was 19, bouncing from house to house even having to sleep in the local park at one point. Not because of drug addiction or anything like that, simply because sometimes when I needed people the most they weren’t there. I was in a deep depression that had begun in the 7th grade and worsened every year. I had toyed with the idea of suicide in my mind because I felt like there was no love in my life, a family that I had banished due to my idiocy and grudges, rumors were being spread like wildfire, and my confidence was a complete zero.

Of course there was actually love in my life, I was just too stubborn to see it. I had graduated high school with a full scholarship to a college in my state but turned up my nose to it, deciding that a- I shouldn’t have to have a degree to do the things I love to do (something I still stand by) and b- because I wanted to live it up. My parents had been extremely strict on me as a child (and no, I am not blaming them for my hardships, I realize now that I was just as idiot) and I wanted to make up for lost time. I thought that my friends at the time (some of whom I still love) were more like family to me than my true family would ever be. Like I said, I was an idiot.

Fast forward a year later, after couch hopping for so long, trying desperately to find a job (there are very few jobs in the rural area I used to live in) with no success, and I truly felt like nothing was ever going to go right in my life. My friend Chrissy let me stay with her and her family which I will always be grateful for. But I was still depressed. The love I was looking for seemed to be nowhere to be found. My parents had moved to Florida and my sister lived in a small town a few hours away from me and I was still too stubborn to try and let her into my life. I’m not going to lie, I felt like I was spiraling further and further down. I had gotten into an argument with someone I used to live with and they were spreading the most awful rumors I had ever heard about myself. I won’t even put it on here because it was so horrendous. My depression was getting even deeper. People I barely knew were asking me if these awful things were true. I learned a VERY valuable lesson from that experience. No matter what you do, people are going to talk about you, .lie about you, and degrade you. BUT the people who truly care about you, the ones who matter, won’t believe the lies. And those are the people you need in your life and honestly I should thank the person who started those rumors for helping me weed out so many useless ‘friends’. But at the time, when it was happening, it seemed like my world was ending & I WANTED it to end.

And then light came into my life. While I was living with Chrissy (Love you Chrissy!! Thanks so much for accepting me into your home and making me feel welcome) she introduced me to a friend of hers, Michael Smith. I remember the first moment I saw him, when Chrissy opened the door to the truck. A handsome man th shaggy chocolate brown hair, expressive honey colored eyes smiled down at me as I climbed into the backseat and as we drove to town I would glance up to the rearview mirror to see him looking at me. My heart fluttered and fluttered even more when we began to talk on the ride. We liked many of the same things and conversation came so naturally between us, which was something I had never experienced before since I am incredibly shy. After a great day of hanging out Chrissy and I went home and he was on my mind the rest of the night.

Soon after that, when my phone would ring, I would look excitedly to see if it was him, and if it was we would talk for hours about all of the random things we could think of. Then he asked me on a date. I was suddenly nervous as fuck. I kept thinking to the horrible experiences I had went through and couldn’t help but worry that he was going to be the same way. When we began dating I was overjoyed but still terrified. I was so shocked that I was being treated so well that it seemed to good to be true and I kept waiting for the truth to rear its ugly head. When he told me he loved me I ached to say it back but was so scared to, because I was afraid to give such a personal thing to him. I felt it, but I thought that putting into words would jinx it for me and it would end in a horrific way. But, despite me not saying it back, he still told it to me every time he saw me, every time we spoke, even at night when I would lay beside him about to drift off to sleep I could hear him whispering it to me.

Finally, after so much love and affection he had shown me, I accepted it and declared my own. I had been so afraid of being hurt again and being tossed to the side and forgotten, that I was letting it keep me from finding my happiness. And now we are engaged and trying to have children. I had never wanted kids before I met him. But when I saw him with his nephews, who he had helped raise, I couldn’t believe how caring he was. Those boys look up to him like they’re his own kids. He can go from explaining something new to them to having a Nerf duel in a matter of seconds, and the oldest confides in Mike things he won’t talk to anyone else about. As a youngest child in a family with few children I had no idea how to take care of kids until I met Mike. Me and his nephews were best friends by the end of my first visit with them. Seeing Mike so in touch with his family and so family oriented inspired me to banish my hateful teenage thoughts and mend the relationship with my family.

Now, I am not saying that you have to have love to be happy. This was my own personal experience in how I found someone who taught me how to accept happiness. I want people to know that rumors and arguments are not the end of the world, they help you to figure out the ones who truly care about you. I want people to know that no matter how dreary and desperate things may seem, IT WILL PASS. You will learn from every experience and those hard experiences will make your life better in the long run. Because you survived. You learned. You worked hard along the way & it was worth it. Lastly, I want people to stop being afraid to let happiness in. If there is a reason to smile, then smile, don’t drown it with negative thoughts. And if there isn’t a reason to smile? Then work to give yourself a reason to smile. Maybe it will be because you make a new friend or simply because someone thanked you for holding open the door. Whether it’s because you start a new job or because your favorite movie happened to be on. LET YOURSELF BE HAPPY. Because it is such an amazing thing. And I want to thank my fiancé Michael Smith for being patient with me and my distrust and teaching me to love and accept love in return.

Thanks so much for reading, I’m sorry I jumped around from topic to topic. I hope all of you have an amazing day and let your life be filled with light~~ Amber


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